11 Sep, 2007

You wanna know something? Life does not make sense at times. We always wonder why things happen. What purpose does turmoil have? Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people? I would like to share with you my life story in hopes that when all is said and done you may have a better understanding of these kinds of questions.

“Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalms 46:10) this verse has been rolling around in my mind all year long, ever since my Fathers death in February. My best friend John Bartell and his wife were in a near fatal car accident late February. My brother had a battle with Cancer in March. I was involved in a serious accident. It’s hard to be still and know that He is God when there is so much turmoil going on in your life and so many painful memories. I would like to share a few with you.

“Be still and know that I am God!”

My twin brother and I were born December 1, 1971 and my parents got divorced soon thereafter. My brother and I tagged along with our Mom for a few years as she moved from one man to another. In 1979 my Mom had a “nervous breakdown” and got rid of my brother and I. She decided that since my Father was now married again that she would push us off to him. Now I was a Daddy’s boy, so that was OK, but my brother was a Mommy’s boy so he was devastated. My dad got remarried in 1978 and it did not take long for my brother and I to discover that our new “Mom” was a raging alcoholic! She drank all the time and she abused my brother and I often, physically and mentally.

“Be still and know that I am God!”

One night of many my brother and I are fast asleep in our beds when we hear a bunch of banging, crashing. My stop mother is trashing our room. She is dumping out our dressers, clearing off our desk and shelf’s with her arm, all into a huge box and big trash bags, why? I have no idea but my brother and I had to clean it all up at 2 in the morning and while we were cleaning she would be yelling at us the whole time. We finally got back into bed at 4 in the morning and then up again at 6 for school. This was a typical night for my brother and I.

“Be still and know that I am God!”

I remember one night I woke up to my Dad and Stepmother fighting! You see our bedroom was right off the kitchen. Our door was a curtain that was strong across the front. We could here everything, LOUD! My Stepmother was drunk again and she was about to come in my brother and I room to do something. My Dad just happened to get up to go to the bathroom and caught her in the act. She got upset at my Dad and started yelling at him to leave her alone. Me Dad refused so she pulled a knife out on him. They struggled back and forth and my brother and I were crying. My Dad had tears welling up in his eyes as well. The fight finally came to an end, my stepmother backed down and my Dad put her to bed. My Dad then came and tucked my brother and I back into bed and apologized to us for her actions.

“Be still and know that I am God!”

I remember another night being woke up by my stepmother and being forced to kneel on the register grate in our kitchen with my hands up behind my head. You see, I forgot to put my clothes away that night before I went to bed, so this was how she punished us for our actions. I remember waking up on a school morning and getting ready for school. My Dad had just left for work and my stepmother was sleeping of her drunken stooper. I guess my brother and I made a little too much noise getting ready and we woke her up. She came out screaming and yelling at us, calling us all kinds of names and throwing down curses upon us. She also had a belt in her hand and then proceeded to give hit us with it over and over again. When she was finished with her rage, she went back into bed like nothing ever happened.

“Be still and know that I am God!”

I remember when the Speicher’s moved into town. They were the new family in our neighborhood. The Dad was now the pastor of our church. They had several children the oldest being Doug. He became my best and closest friend growing up. The Speicher’s house became the safe house for my brother and I. Several times during my adolecant years we would be woken up by my father and escorted out of the house to go spend the night Doug’s. My stepmother was in a rage again and Dad was fighting with her trying to talk some sense into her. Thank you God for the Speicher’s. I also met a good friend in school; his name was Jon Webster (Webby). He just happened to live down the street from me. His Mom was awesome! She saw that my brother and I were hurting kids. She tried her best to love us and care for us growing up. I spent a lot of time talking with Momma Webster. I would often times spend most of my summer time with the Webster’s traveling to Atlanta, Georgia and South Carolina for vacations. Thank you God for Momma Webster and her love for me!

“Be still and know that I am God!”

My brother is now gone, he quit school and left home at 16! I wish I had the nerve to do that. He decided to take life into his own hands. I missed him so much. I have to rely on my friends even more now than ever! I hate my brother for leaving me to fend for myself now! I was angry with him.

“Be still and now that I am God!”

I remember once, I was 17, and I was sitting in the living room watching TV and eating my dinner when my stepmother attacked me out of nowhere. Apparently she was made at me for something. She started yelling at me and calling me all kinds of names. I called her a drunk and told her that she needed help. She then in turn came running at me with fists in the air. I grabbed her, picked her up and threw her down on the couch. I held her down and in my mind I wanted to beat the stuffing out of her. I wanted to get back at her for the years and years of abuse. I wanted to kill her! But I didn’t, I just held her down until she calmed down. She could not believe that I stood up to her. She could not believe that I took her down. My Dad could not believe what I did either. I was sick of the vicious cycle I was in! I wanted out! So I did, it was soon after this that I graduated from High school and moved out the house. I rented a room from a family in my church and was finally on my own!

“Be still and know that I am God!”

Let me give you a little bit of back round on my stepmother and Dad. You see my Dad was married twice before and they both ended up in divorce. My father was on his third marriage and he refused to let this one end in the same way the other two did. My stepmother was raised in the Bronx. Her Mom and Dad did not want her. Her Grandparents did not want her as well. She was raised in foster homes on and off and then landed up on the street. She even prostituted herself for a time to make ends meet. She was abused sexually, physically and emotionally. She was one messed up girl growing up. She drowned herself in alcohol to try and suppress the feelings and emotions she had welling up inside of her. She did not want to face her past nor deal with it. She had no idea what it was like to be loved growing up and therefore did not know how to reciprocate that love to us, my fathers children. This does not excuse her from her actions but it made me understand her a little bit more and why she does what she does.

“Be still and know that I am God!”

I know this is all pretty depressing! I do have some awesome memories growing up as well. I remember wrestling with my Dad on the floor of the living room. Playing basketball with my dad and brother. I remember eating hotdogs and mac&cheese with dad and watching Battle Star Galactica and Buck Rodgers. I remember playing cards on Thursday nights with my Grandmother who lived up stairs with my sister. I remember having some awesome talks with my Father during my adolescent years. I remember every morning and every night while I lay in bed my Dad was out at the Kitchen table reading his Bible and praying a loud. I could here him as I lye in bed. He would pray a loud for my stepmother. He would pray for her salvation and that the Lord would free her from her alcoholism. He would often times weep a loud in frustration and depression. He loved my stepmother a great deal and wanted badly for her to get better.

“Be still and know that I am God!”

There were times in my life where I laughed at that thought! I hated my stepmother and I hated God! But some how, and I can’t explain it I knew that God still loved me. I had this peace in my heart, this understanding that some how some way God was going to use my life in a powerful way! “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11). I accepted God as my personal Lord and Savior when I was 6 years old. But I really got series about God in Junior High and that is when I decided to make a serious commitment to follow Him so I got Baptized. God has a plan for my life! What is it?

“I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord.”

I was 19 years old and a freshman at Onondaga Community College. I had decided that I would go into Social Work and use my life to help others. One night as I was lying in bed trying to catch some Z’s my phone rang. It was a guy by the name of Howard Shute. I grew up with his daughter at church. We were in youth group together. He had left his job and he and his family had moved away so that he could go into Seminary and become a minister. He had a church now up in Lowville, NY. He and his wife were praying one night that the Lord would bring in a Youth minister for there church. They both prayed in private and then met in the living room to talk. They asked each other if there were any names that came into mind during their prayer. Well guess whose name came up? MINE! So Howard asked me if I would be willing to come up north and interview for the position. I did and got the job! I worked for Lowville Bethel Church of the Nazarene for a couple of years and it was during those years that I met my wife.

“I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord.” I decided to put youth ministry on hold and continue my college education and transferred to Roberts Wesleyan College and continued my studies in Social Work. Meanwhile I took a job as a Youth Minister for Calvary Church of the Nazarene in Henrietta, NY. During my first semester at RWC I was miserable and so where the people around me. I felt the call from God to change my degree of study from Social Work to Youth Ministry. So I did. I graduated in 1996 from RWC and took a job in Youth Ministry at Spencerport Wesleyan Church. I worked there for a couple of years and then moved onto Anchor Christian Church where I met Sam Hough. I helped him out in Youth ministry for while and then moved onto Brewerton, NY where I helped out Mike Scott and his church in Central Square. I pioneered a youth ministry program their and then was called back to Rochester, NY where I am now the Youth Minister at Anchor Christian Church. It is hard to believe but I have been in Youth Ministry for 16 years now. The Lord has taken my life and transformed it from one of hatred, anger, depression, discouragement, pride, and arrogance to one of love, peace, joy and gratitude. “Be still and know that He is God.”

I share these things with you in hopes that it will help you. Jesus tells us, “In this world you will have troubles.“ But also remember what He continued to say, “BUT take heart, I have overcome the world.” God is in control! “I know the planes I have for declares the Lord, plans to help not to harm you, plan’s to give you a hope and a future.”

I would like to share with you another scripture. James 1:12, “Blessed is the man that perseveres under trials of many kinds. Because when he has with stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those that love him.” This verse is my life verse. I have gone through a great ordeal in my short lifetime thus far. I can look back on my life and see how God has used everything I have gone through for His glory and to help others around me. I did not understand it at the time but I can see it now. God had a plan for me and for you as well we just need to stay strong, rely on Him and let Him be the light and the guide in this crazy messed up world!

So I ask you this question. Where is your focus right now? Are you being still and letting Him be God? He knows the plan He has for you a plan to prosper you, not to harm you a plan to give you a hope and a future. Are you persevering under trials or are you letting the trials get the best of you. It is my hope and prayer that you keep your eyes on the prize, which is heaven for those who are in Christ Jesus. Be still and know that He is God. Because He has a plan for you and we need to persevere and withstand the test so that we can receive the crown of life that God has promised to those that love Him.